Quitting school

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Quitting school

Postby cynthia » Wed Jan 14, 2009 8:57 am

Hi
I haven't been on here in years. Also, I recently cycled through my need to feel light phase and gave away all my Barbara Sher books, etc, including expensive workshop cds.
I did search quitting school already, and I have read the responses.
I don't know where to post this.
I am isolated.
I moved to attend college.
I am 48.
My 13 year old daughter chose to live with her dad again this year.
I am in my last term of a two year diploma in Computer Science.
I finished a university degree when I was younger. It took 19 years, started in Engineering and ended in Linguistics. And bankruptcy.
Now, I am in my second week, and my brain seems to feel like it is a form of torture to concentrate on school. Believe me, the work load is extremely heavy.
I can easily overload myself with information. I try to take it all in at once. I thought school would break it down. No, my teacher of three courses believes in massively overloading students with extra readings.
I feel old and stupid (and fat) in a class of 20 year old males.
My brain isn't working well. I refuse to concentrate on an assignment due today.
I hate working in groups. I feel fake.
I tossed and turned all night. I feel sick with anxiety.
Is there any advice to break this down? I am going to try to talk to my teacher today. If I quit, I can apply for a one year certificate, but I may have to pay the funding back that I received for last term.
I might be able to tough it out, but I am very disturbed about my mental condition. I don't have a doctor, but am considering making an appointment at the health clinic.
I do often panic and then things usually turn out ok, but as I mentioned, my mental condition is a bit alarming, not to mention my weight gain.
OK, well, I have classes all day which I am dreading. I want to call in sick, but I have to keep going until I sort this out.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Cynthia
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Re: Quitting school

Postby PanWonder » Sat Jan 17, 2009 11:03 am

Hi Cynthia,

I just recently join this forum, but have read a number of Barbara Sher's books. As I read
your post I can understand the feeling of being overwhelmed by the voluminous amount of class work,
but that might only be the presenting question. I am writing because I very much empathize, and
want to share a word of encouragement.

Perhaps, the first and major question is, "who are you going to school for"? It would appear that you
probably have all of the brain power to do the class work, but again that is not the issue.
As you probably already know, everything we do in life is mediated by how we feel about self. From what
you have written, it would seem that doing a new "self story" with some new strong self talk is in order. What
I mean, is that it is important to remind yourself that you are just fine whether you go to school
or not.....this is the truth! You can go or not. It is not necessary to prove anything to anyone.

Right this moment, state something out loud that is powerfully unique and compelling about yourself!!!!! Tell
a new story to yourself. Tell you like you want it all to be!!

Just briefly, I can identify with returning to school, and also experiencing a financial crisis that has leveled my
finances. Nevertheless, I Have chosen to study music in a more formal setting (a community college). Prior to getting
into the music program, I had been taking music classes off and on, and had gotten to the point of being able
to teach basic/elementary/intermediate piano(earning some money), but yet never felt proficient. I was actually surprised when I auditioned and was admitted to the applied program(this is having a private instructor within the program). Once in the program I have been talking to myself, because I have come to recognize that I could not drag old beliefs about being unworthy into this situation. Cynthia, you see, I am doing this for myself and no one else.

The requirements to keep my place in the program have helped me to get a clearer vision of myself. For
example, the semester practice hours are 100 hrs, a performance in the performance workshop every 3 weeks; 30 or 40
people watching/listening; private teacher assignments to be met; concert reports(5-6), theory class (compositions, ear
training, playing with other students (mostly male, because this is in jazz studies). End of the semester, is/was the
final presentation. I played with the feeling, "this is what I can do right now, and it is me". This "jury" as it is called
had about 12 music instructors writing comments as I played.....but in that moment, I dared the negative, critical
perfectionistic part to say a word. How did I do that? I took the position that I don't ever have to prove anything.

You see negative "self-talk" is backed by endeavoring to prove to others. Taking one step at a time Cynthia, give
yourself rest, and good quality food( something you like), take walks, listen to music, breathe, and most of all
TALK TO YOURSELF LOVINGLY. I am sure you have gotten the point of this post.

Wishing you the best,

PanWonder
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